So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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