Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
