does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
