True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't turn off my feet"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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