You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
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the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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