I'm so fucking centered right now
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
