i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
