u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
