Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
