she looked like the bat from fern gully.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
