it wasn't lemon gatorade
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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