I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
