we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
