I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
