You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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