Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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