I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
