ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
