Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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