Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
