take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
