I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
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And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
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Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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