I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
