she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
