Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
