Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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