I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
