Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
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Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
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You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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