New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My ass is underappreciated
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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