it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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