I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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