from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
