that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
