so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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