the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
