I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
