I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
