my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
