my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
