dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
