if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
