She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
