Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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