I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
