just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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