so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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