just survived the first fart of the relationship.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
