I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We need to get me chipped asap
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
