I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
