Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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