My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
