i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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