I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
