You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize