dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
