sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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