i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
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Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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