I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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