I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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